Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The check is in the mail

... along with the application to the agency.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Let the Paperchase Begin!

Alex and I have chosen and agency, and are preparing the application. It is a 7 page application, requiring attachments. And this is just to see if the agency will accept us! Oh, my. I'll be drowning in paperwork soon. But that's okay. Because it is all worth it in the end. In about 18-21 months, we will be bringing our daughter home from China.

Alexa-Rae, I don't think you are born yet, but already, your parents are soooo anxious to meet you!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Back from.. Not sure where

My gods, has it really been 8 months since I posted? Well, I guess with the start of Football again, it's as good a time as any to catch up.

No, Football is not the reason I have been absent. There are Lots of reasons, and I'll try to verbalize a few in the next few paragraphs. First off - I'm not sure who actually reads this blog. And if no one does, I'm okay with it. I'm going to continue in the vein of this being a journal that somehow got left out, and someone else picked it up and was perusing for lack of anything better to do at the time.

I've been absent because I've been dealing with life. Real life. As in goals and dreams and what it all means deep down in the core of things. What really matters versus what we just think we want. When our second round of InVitro was unsuccessful, I was truly, honestly shocked. I was so sure it would work this time. I has so many signs, so many non-material assurances that InVitro was the way to create and complete our family. I was very, very, very angry with all the gods I could shake my fist at. I was completely without self confidence - obviously I had done something wrong, or read the signs wrong, or something! And there are still moments of that hanging on. I am trying to appease the gods I offended. And I'm working on confidence in my decisions.

Then we considered using a Donor egg to create our family. At least I would get to experience being pregnant and giving birth. $10,000 - yeah, a lot of money, but I could take out another loan from my 401(k) in October. It would be worth it, right? Versus $25,000+ for adopting, definitely a better option.

So, back to the doctor's, just to go over fees one more time, make sure I didn't miss anything before making a commitment... What? When did the fees go to $20,000? Last time I left the office, it was "$10k, out the door." Where did this new $10k come from? Grrr... $20,000 is way too much to finance for something that only has a 70% at best chance of coming true. Okay - check that option off the list.

More mourning. The dream of not being able to roll over in bed, because my tummy is too large. Gone. The feeling of the little foot kicking inside me. Nope - never happen. The feeling of elation of seeing our little child taking away the pain of childbirth. Not for me, apparently.

Now, before you jump in here - okay, yes. There is like a 1% chance that we could indeed produce our own child, based on my age of 42. 1%. Would you put money down on those odds in Vegas? I wouldn't. And if we do create the miracle child, I promise... I don't know what I promise. I don't know what the Gods and Goddesses want of me. If I could figure that out, I would have already promised and delivered. I will celebrate, and be thankful, in ways no one has ever seen before.

So, it is on to exploring adoption. I've heard everything from $10k to $40k in fees and expenses. We first looked into Domestic adoption. The chance to take home an infant. Maybe even try to breastfeed. Get to bond with the child from day one (or at least within the first few days). But the more I explored, the more the roadblocks. 2 years wait for a Caucasian child? I'll be 45 chasing a toddler? What am I thinking? At 42, harder to "be picked" by the birthmom - all those 30 year olds look sooo much better. And let's face it - we aren't Ken and Barbie. And what if the Birthmom changes her mind? I don't think I could handle it - and Alex has told me he can't. Okay - maybe domestic isn't for us.

But International is sooooo expensive. $30k to $40k depending on the program. Yes, you are pretty much guaranteed a child. Probably around 10 months to a year old. Who knows about the health. And still 12 - 24 months before we can bring our baby home.

*sigh*

And you wonder why I have been absent from this board? These are the thoughts, the decisions, the emotions I've been going through. Can we afford it? How? Are we too old? I have dreamed of nothing else but being a wife and a mother since I can remember. It is the one and only dream I truly and deeply want to come true. The rest - college, a job, a career, a nice car, travel to Europe or wherever... All those were dreams I verbalized, because I needed something to work on while looking for the other half of me. I went to college - because I hadn't gotten married right out of high school. I finished college - because, well, I'd been there for 4 years, and still didn't have any prospects. Maybe I could find my husband out there in the big bad world. Offices are filled with potential husbands. Marriage and a family was a dream I was never, ever able to tell anyone about. It was WAY to important, too big, too vital to share idly. I've even shocked my sister and my cousin with my desire to have a family. "I never say you as a mom." Ouch. And I'd watched so many of my family members go through marriages that were not great, just because they "should" be married. I didn't want that. I would wait for the ONE Right man.

I finally have him - the most perfect husband I can imagine. He is TOTALLY worth the wait. I was right to wait. And I didn't want to be a single mom. I wanted to be part of a team to create and raise a family. I usually saw 2 children. Alex wanted 4 when we first started talking about children. I think we compromised at 3. Isn't all this ironic? As my hair stylist pointed out to me - I've broken up with men because they didn't want children. The very first thing I told Alex on our first official date was "I'm 37, and I still want children." The fact that he wanted children as well is really the reason I kept dating him, gave him a second look. I was expecting the "I'm past that", and I would have thanked him for dinner and kept looking. I've planned doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, vacations around when/if I might be pregnant, and how much I might be able to do. I think that sound is all the Gods, laughing. Deafening.

So, the mourning, and the healing continues.

We got the name of an agency in Englewood that specializes in Adoption from China. They rely mostly on word-of-mouth for referrals. So far - everything checks out really well. Their fees are extremely reasonable. And when you add in the $10,000 tax credit for International Adoption, and the $3,000 reimbursement from each of our employers... hmmm - maybe we can afford this after all. The information packet and website make things feel really right. I've explored 3 other agencies at their Information Meetings... Just didn't feel quite right, although I gathered a TON of information. All of which leads us back to CCAI. Almost ready to make the commitment - attending their Informational Meeting on Thursday.

And now - just when we are almost ready to make a commitment... Along comes an agency that says they can place a domestic, Caucasian infant with us within around 9 months, for around $18k. Why are they so different? Why are their statistics so much better than everyone else's? We'll know more on Saturday - another informational meeting. But they would have to overcome a lot of questions, and a lot of fears.

So, that's where I've been. "That's all?" Yes - that's all. But it consumes me. So many decisions. So many options. So much to research. I can't wait to make a decision, so I can channel all this fragmented, frustrated, sad energy into something positive. Something creative. A new purpose. Because I don't want to be jealous of every birth announcement. I don't want to miss birthday parties. I want to move from jealousy to envy. Healthy envy - not coveting someone else's child, but sharing their joy, and hoping and waiting for our own.

At least now I have Football to distract me... Go Bronco's!
And Go CoS Celts! (That's my fantasy team.)